Key Takeaways
- You can be both liked and respected by the people who are important to your success.
- Spend less time talking at people and more time asking them about themselves.
- Asking questions and follow-up questions that engage other people can boost your likeability.
In business and in life, a question that arises from time to time is: Would you rather be liked or be respected?
The insinuation here is that you can’t be both things—you have to choose one or the other.
Turns out, that’s the wrong question and the wrong assumption. Likeability and respectability may be more linked than many people assume. What’s more, likeability tends to contribute to better outcomes in a variety of situations.
That said, likeability’s power is most effective when people cultivate and use likeability in smart ways. With that in mind, here’s how to enhance your likeability in ways that may help you get what you want.
Impact on results
There’s a well-established idea that when you’re leading a team of people (or seeking to lead)—in the workplace, on the battlefield or even at a volunteer-staffed organization—you should avoid trying to be liked by the team. The reason: If you’re too focused on what people think of you personally, you won’t be capable of making unpopular decisions that may be necessary for success.
However, there’s a body of research suggesting that likeability is a key strength that contributes to positive results. Two examples:
- Likeability may help you sell more. Among the top sales professionals—those who achieved more than 125% of their assigned quota—in one study conducted by Steve W. Martin, marketing professor at the University of Southern California Marshall School of Business, 49% indicated that likeability was an important differentiator between themselves and their competitors.
- Likeability may boost your ability to influence others. A study by the School of Psychology at the University of New South Wales, Australia, showed that likeability impacted the “perception of expert persuasiveness” and that “dislikeability reduces persuasiveness irrespective of evidence quality.” In other words, your ability to influence others and get them to take the actions you desire depends at least in part on whether people like you.
The upshot:
If you’re looking to achieve the best possible results, it may be wise to strike a balance between your likeability and your respectability in the eyes of the people who will be important to the outcomes.
Harnessing the power of likeability
Given that, it makes sense to look for ways to systematically and consistently enhance your likeability among groups of people who are important to your goals and success levels.
To get started, think about the old adage that we have only one mouth but two ears. Why? Research suggests that if you want to be perceived as more likeable, you should spend more of your time with people listening to what they have to tell you.
For example, a Harvard University study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that your likeability increases if you ask someone a question and then ask additional follow-up questions based on the responses you get. The overall conclusion: “Across 3 studies of live dyadic conversations, we identify a robust and consistent relationship between question-asking and liking: people who ask more questions, particularly follow-up questions, are better liked by their conversation partners. When people are instructed to ask more questions, they are perceived as higher in responsiveness.”
Such findings fly in the face of many people’s natural tendency to do little more than talk about themselves—their beliefs, their expertise, their insights, etc. This can be especially common among leaders of groups as they work to “sell” their own intelligence and savviness, the brilliance of their plans, and all the details of what the group needs to do.
While those are important things to do, make a point of engaging your people in conversations that allow them to talk and allow you to show your interest in what they say.
The quality of your questions
Another adage is that people judge you by the quality of your questions. In other words, the specific questions you ask—and the way in which you ask them—will play a role in whether your conversational partners find you likeable.
For example, consider the following insightful questions that many successful entrepreneurs tell us they regularly use in their conversations and dealings with others who are (or may be) important to them.
Question 1: What do you think?
Rationale: People are very willing to share their opinions and insights if prompted. They want to be recognized for their views and ensure you understand their positions on important matters.
When: The question is useful throughout your relationship with anyone. When action needs to be taken, it is usually very useful to know where the other person stands.
Objectives and benefits: Gathering intelligence and gaining perspective into the thinking and preferences of the people you are dealing with are always beneficial. Furthermore, this question helps you foster involvement in the process at hand—thereby building rapport and ensuring closure.
Question 2: What do you want to accomplish?
Rationale: Everyone has an overall agenda. People have goals and objectives that matter very much to them. Knowing what those are is valuable to you as you pursue your agenda.
When: From the beginning of and throughout the relationship, it is worthwhile to understand what the other person wants to do and, if possible, why they want to do it.
Objectives and benefits: This question can address the big picture or be focused on specific endeavors. Knowing what a person you are dealing with really wants to accomplish informs you of the degree of overlap—or conflict—among the various agendas of the parties involved. It also helps you frame your desires in ways that best resonate with the other person. This can result in a deeper level of rapport and trust—resulting in a greater willingness to work with you.
Question 3: What’s the most important thing we should be discussing today?
Rationale: It’s normal for people to go into any meeting with an agenda. However, your objectives for the meeting may not coincide with those of the other person, which can lead to wasted time and effort and can adversely impact the relationship.
When: This question should be asked at the start of every meeting. It may also be appropriate when a meeting is going off track because the other person is not meaningfully engaged.
Objectives and benefits: You want to make sure you are truly being responsive. At the same time, you want to move your agenda along. Neither of these is possible unless you are in sync with what is important to the other person at that time. This question demonstrates concern and is very useful in addressing critical needs and wants.
Question 4: Can you tell me more?
Rationale: It is quite common for someone to put forth a position that you might not find completely clear. Many people err by making presumptions that may be inaccurate and, consequently, detrimental to the relationship.
When: The question is best asked often and everywhere. It is very appropriate in situations where knowing more is highly advantageous.
Objectives and benefits: The better your understanding of the other party’s thinking, the more successful you will be. By prompting the other person to go deeper, your knowledge of their worldview and circumstances increases. The result is superior understanding that can readily translate into superior deliverables and greater rapport.
Question 5: How can I be of greatest help to you?
Rationale: Most of the time, people are seeking ways they can benefit themselves. The aim of this question is to determine how you can be supportive of and deliver value to the other person.
When: This question is appropriate whenever there’s an impasse in a discussion, or when your initial question reveals that the other person is dealing with some difficulties. It is applicable at the start of and throughout your relationship.
Objectives and benefits: From basic caring and concern to helping facilitate success to meaningfully building and enhancing rapport, your willingness to help the other person can pay enormous dividends. Whether or not you are ultimately able to accommodate someone, your determination to try to address the matter is a powerful bridge builder. What’s more, the law of reciprocity tells us that when you voluntarily help someone, that person feels a natural inclination to return the favor and help you down the line.
Conclusion
Often seen as a weakness in leaders, likeability—used well—can actually be highly beneficial. Asking the types of questions and follow-up questions that enhance connections and rapport between you and your people can help you become both more liked and more respected—a true win-win in so many situations.
VFO Inner Circle Special Report
By John J. Bowen Jr.
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